Cultivate a black technology god

Chapter 221 Ariel's past (24)

One day in early January 1999, Ariel and Dr. Wilbur were driving along the "West Side" highway.

They have been going out a lot lately.Usually Ariel likes to interact with the doctor like this for the first time.

But today she is gloomy and listless, as if the sky is gloomy.

"You are in a bad mood," the doctor ventured,

"Because you're angry, and angry with yourself. I'm afraid it's your mother."

"Your words don't help me at all," Ariel resisted the doctor's exploration.She turned her face toward the side window, making it clear that she had stopped the conversation.

Dr. Wilbur kept his hands on the steering wheel, his eyes on the road ahead, but his mind was on the impassable vacuum that separated the conscious Ariel from the unconscious Ariel.

All the incarnations of the unconscious vehemently declared their hatred of Heidi Dorset.

Ariel, who harbored hatred, also expressed her disgust for the female cat in her dream.

But the incarnation's hatred and her own actions in the dream never penetrated Ariel's consciousness.

This huge difference has been fully exposed at this moment.

Dr. Wilbur decided to launch a straightforward onslaught to break the shackles that bound Ariel.

"Ariel," Dr. Wilbur put his arm around Ariel's shoulders.

"Huh?" Ariel hesitantly agreed.

"I'll hypnotize you to find out the source of your depression, okay," the doctor asked her.

"Right here?" Ariel looked at the doctor suspiciously.

"Right here!" the doctor replied flatly.

A hypnotic tone resounds over car horns and driving sounds.

Ariel's consciousness began to recede, and she entered a sleep state.

She dug her nails into the seat cushion beneath her and murmured:

"If someone was your mother, you would have loved and respected her."

"If she doesn't win your love, and doesn't deserve your respect, that's another matter," said the doctor.

"I want to please her because she's my mother," Ariel's voice was hushed.

"But I could never do that. She said I was ridiculous. I felt suffocated when I thought of her and I wanted to cry. She tied me up and made me hurt like hell. She was always doing things—horrible things. ’ Her voice broke.She was shaking.

"Ariel, go on."

"I'm all confused. I'll never understand. She put it inside me. A black strip with a round hole in the middle. I see it now."

silence.A groan of pain.Dr. Wilbur held his breath.

She knew that Ariel was about to cross the threshold of trauma like a surgeon pointing a scalpel at a diseased part.

Ariel spoke again: "I said to myself: I love my mother, and I'm only pretending to hate her. But it's not pretending."

Ariel's voice broke.the crisis is over
Ariel continued: "I hate her so much. I've hated her for as long as I can remember."

The unforgettable hatred is like a turbulent wave.

"I hate her," Ariel said breathlessly.

"Whenever she hurt me, I seemed to see my own hands around her neck. There were other ways too, such as stabbing her with something.

I wanted to stab her many times.Sometimes at school, sometimes at the hardware store, I see images of her covered in nails, but never at home.

But I want to do it, I want to.When she died, I felt for a moment as if I had killed her.

I've wanted to kill her for so long.I want to kill my mother. "

Now Dr. Wilbur could see that hatred from the unconscious had invaded the conscious.

The impulse in her heart pushed Ariel forward suddenly.

Dr. Wilbur grabbed her and nearly knocked her against the barrier.

But the doctor cannot and will not restrain the torrent of hatred.

Ariel’s voice became louder and louder:

"I hate her. I hate that bitch. I'm going to kill my mother. She's my mother. I'm going to kill her. I want her dead! I hate her, do you hear? I hate her!"

Ariel pounded the fender of the car with her fists, and she hadn't really gotten angry since she went to St. Mary's Hospital as a baby.

Today, she has restored or tried to restore the right to genuine anger.

There was silence in the car.

There was the sound of a car horn honking outside and the sound of a car swerving with a flat tire.

Dr. Wilbur ignored everything outside the car.

She knew that the main source of the trauma that had sparked the multiple personality had been destroyed.She decides to wake up Ariel.

Ariel's first words after waking up were:
"I don't think I used to think much of my mother."

Dr. Wilbur was amazed that the patient could still remember the events under hypnosis, and said:

"Instead, you think a lot about her and desperately want her to love you."

Ariel said with a wry smile: "It's not very cute to want to kill your own mother."

The doctor didn't expect Ariel to remember so many words she said under hypnosis.

She knew this was a milestone in psychoanalysis.Not only because Ariel remembered what she herself had said under hypnosis, but because she remembered Mike's "killing" of the Heidi Dorset simulacrum, and even thought it was her own action .

These two new developments, coupled with her now-confessed hatred of her mother, represented a dynamic drive toward integration and were a crucial step on the road to recovery.

For the first time since she was three and a half years old, Ariel was able to throw a fit of rage.

The need for other avatars to take the rage in their place is greatly reduced.

These avatars are now partially integrated with Ariel.

At the same time, Marcia's wish for her mother's death becomes Ariel's wish, so that Marcia and Ariel may become closer.

The most valuable thing is: after Ariel regained the ability to get angry, the expression and venting of other emotions were also unimpeded.

The scene where she rages against Heidi Dorset stops Ariel from being an emotionless woman.

Ariel's character began to plump up.

Heidi Dorset is not actually dead in Ariel's mind.

It wasn't until Ariel killed her with a vengeance on the "Westside" highway that Heidi Dorset was really dead, and was no longer the main obstacle to Ariel's recovery.

Ariel was liberated almost immediately.This was dramatically manifested in Ariel's family visit to her father in Detroit a few weeks later.

When Willard saw her, she was sitting on the couch in the sunroom.

At first she was still thinking about the past, thinking that he was going to hide behind the "Architecture Forum" again.

But he sat next to her, very talkative.It seemed that no matter what Ariel said, he could accept it.

So, she could say anything to him.

This is the first time in her life.

As soon as the conversation began, she was reminded of many things, and she heard herself say:
"When I was six years old, you had neuritis, and you let me get close to you for the first time." Willard's face twitched involuntarily, and he said softly:
"I didn't know that was the case at the time."

"That winter we moved to the farm," she went on grimly.

"We became closer. But after leaving the farm, you went to work, I started school, and we became strangers again."

Willard panicked defensively: "I gave you everything, nice house, nice clothes, nice toys, guitar lessons. I did it because I cared about you."

"Dad." Ariel paused, weighing her words, but her recent witty confidence pushed her to speak decisively:
"You gave me a guitar, but what I wanted was a violin. You used to live in a vacuum, don't you understand now? You never bothered to exchange thoughts and feelings with me, don't you understand now?"

Suddenly Willard stood up and said, "I do feel that guitar lessons make you uneasy, but I really don't know why." He recalled:
"I see things very differently now. I always wanted to do something nice for you, but I didn't know how to do it."

Ariel felt his closeness sensitively, and was surprised that he didn't blame her for speaking to him so bluntly.

She decided to tell what was buried deepest in the past.

"Dad, something happened to me when I was very young..."

Willard Dorsett squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to silence his daughter's memories.

What the daughter recalled was roughly the same as what Dr. Wilbur had told him five years earlier, when he had accepted these events as his own guilt.

"Dad," are you okay? Ariel asked anxiously.

He opened his eyes, raised one hand in a gesture of entreaty, and said:

"Ariel, stop talking. I'm an old man now. Forgive me for my old age, if nothing else."

"When I was little, Daddy," Ariel didn't budge from his entreaties,
"The appalling thing happened. You didn't stop it."

"Wheat fences, button hooks," murmured Willard.He looked directly at his daughter and begged:

"Forgive me,"

This time it was Ariel's turn to stand up.Forgive the lost time, the lost years?The anger that had just exploded in her heart did not allow her to forgive.

"Let the past be in the past" were said as if she was here for reconciliation this time.

She was going to forget about it, but it wasn't an old way of retreating from things she couldn't face, it was a new way of not letting the distant past bother her.

The tense moment passed.

Willard and Ariel talked about less painful things, about the joy they would experience during this visit.

Willard Dorset spoke to his daughter about her memory loss for the first time, before Frieda called them to dinner.

"If I give you more money, will this memory loss thing end?"

"Money always helps," Ariel said bluntly.

"But the memory loss has been going on for 36 years, and no amount of money will fix it. It doesn't happen that often, though, and I'm getting better little by little."

"Since it's about money, I want you to know: If anything happens to me, you will be taken care of and that two-story apartment I'm building will be yours."

"Thank you, Dad," Ariel said, almost in disbelief that he had finally confided such concern.

At this moment, Willard asked her, "Tell me, Ariel, who are those people you seem to know and talk to?"

Ariel looked at the man who had been under the same roof with Peggy, Vicky, Marcia, Vanessa, Mary, etc. for many years in amazement.

"Daddy," Ariel said,
"You misunderstood what Dr. Wilbur told you about these people. I didn't know them or talk to them. I had no idea these people existed until Dr. Wilbur told me. I only Just getting to know them and starting to talk to them."

Willard still half understood what Ariel said.

While thinking about it, he said, "There are so many things I can't understand about you, Ariel." He led Ariel into the dining room in bewilderment.

That night Ariel slept in the guest room of her father's house and dreamed of the sunroom of Willow Corners' old house.

Heidi is dead.Ariel made a special trip to visit her father.

There was only one bed in the house—the familiar big tin bed her parents used, which now stood in the sunroom.

Ariel had to have somewhere to sleep, and there was only one bed in the house, and Ariel slept on one side of the bed.

Her father sleeps on the other side.She woke up suddenly and found a man's face outside the window.

The stranger's lips were still moving, and he was talking to someone:

"They're in the same room."

"Look, Daddy," Ariel shouted to wake him.
"Someone was peeping in through the window. He thought we were sleeping together."

She also found that the man was holding a camera in his hand, so she covered her eyes with her arm so that she would not be recognized in the photo.

"Dad," she begged him, "please give me a cup of hot milk so that I can sleep better."

While her father complied silently, she watched the man's face carefully so that she could accurately draw it later and hand it to the police.

She felt a little uneasy, because the man's hair was golden in color.

She carefully touched the iron grille at the head of the bed, stretched out her arm and found the telephone placed on the ground.

"Online operator, please pick up the police station."

"They're out on patrol," came the reply.

"Please call the police."

"Going out to watch the night," the voice on the phone was gloomy.

"But I've got to get help," Ariel yelled, "someone's outside my window."

"Has your father had any insurance?"

"What does that have to do with this?" Ariel exclaimed.

"I can find an insurance broker if you have a phone number."

Ariel suddenly found herself holding a handful of insurance company business cards in her hand.

She was looking for the name of an insurance company, but the business card was too small and the print was too small to make out.

"Phone number, hurry up, phone number, hurry up." The voice on the phone seemed to hit her brain.

"I can't see the number," she said desperately,

"The card is so slippery, I can't hold it." The card slipped from her hand and she couldn't hold it.

"Hang up, please," said the operator at last.

"I'm sorry," Ariel pleaded, "someone has to come to the rescue."

There was silence on the phone.This told her a truth, a truth that she couldn't face up to in the past, that is:
No one will deal with the person outside the window, no one will rescue her when she needs it.

Three months later, a letter written by Frieda Dorset on April 4 was delivered to Dr. Wilbur's clinic.

The content of the letter is:
My husband's doctor came to me at noon today and told me: Ariel's father will not live long.

As I wrote last time, Mr. Dorsett was in an advanced stage of cancer.The doctor suggested that I write to you and let you know that he would be happy to talk to you and tell you about your condition if you called him.

His card is attached.

Neither Ariel nor her father mentioned whether she was home to visit.

I also didn't advise her to come or not, because I don't know if she can leave you.Mr. Dorset always said he would be better in a day or two.

The doctor gave him enough medicine to relieve the pain, but these medicines also stun his mind.

He hadn't asked for Ariel's letters for more than a week, and they had been dear to him in the past.

The last time I tried to read a letter to him, he didn't want to hear it.

If I can take care of Ariel, I welcome Ariel home.

But, frankly, it worried me for a long time.

You know, I have to work and it's impossible to be with her during the day.

If you have any suggestions, you are welcome to write to me.

Two weeks later, Dr. Wilbur told Ariel the news of Willard's death. Ariel was quite calm after hearing it.

But Mary, the personification of loving her father unreservedly, was devastated.

Ariel didn't want to go to the funeral, and the decision prevailed.

But on the night of the funeral, Ariel dreamed that she was attending a tea party where Dr. Wilbur would tell her that her father had died.

"He's not dead, he's not dead," Ariel heard herself shout.

She then rushed into the sunroom and found him alive and lying on the bed.

People stood around him in a circle.She threw herself on the bed, still yelling, "He's not dead, he's not dead."

However, to Ariel, Willard was indeed dead.

The devastating consequences of his death were far beyond her imagination.

There was word from Frieda that Willard had left nothing to his daughter.

This confronts Ariel with a horrific reality that her dreams already reflect.

"You know," Dr. Wilbur said comfortingly,

"You have always had a strong Electra complex for your father, but you have always hated him. The original Ariel hated both her mother and her father."

This kind of hatred, and because of her father's dishonesty, seemed to add fuel to the fire.

Her father's words still ring in my ears:
"If anything happens to me, you will be taken care of."

(End of this chapter)