Looking for a woman named Xiaoyao

1. Some people disappear without a trace

In the spring of 2016, when the cherry blossoms on the street were blooming vigorously, Xiao Yao and I got lost on the Internet.She is like a fish, I don't even have the courage to reach out and catch her, she has disappeared into the vast sea of ​​nets without a sound.

I don't know how I spent this empty March. On sunny afternoons, I often walked out of my counseling studio and walked under the cherry blossoms on the street, letting the petals fall on my shoulders.The spring sun is warm and warm, and the peach blossoms and willows are swaying in front of my eyes, but my heart is full of thorns.

The song "Ten Miles of Spring Breeze" by Lu Xiansen's band is playing on the mobile phone: Inexplicable love, please, who can take her away, so I have to turn the years into songs and stay in the mountains and rivers.No matter how I listen to it, how do I feel that this song is tailor-made for me, it feels inexplicably sad when I listen to it.

On the way home from get off work, I like to listen to a funny show on a local art station.The female anchor and the male anchor are gags and humorous.However, the female anchor is also called Xiao Yao.From time to time, the male anchor sips a little monster, and I reflexively think of the little monster on the Internet, so I can no longer listen to that program I like.I have a lot of rock songs in the car, and I want to release the unspeakable pain in my chest amidst the cries of rock.I especially like the song "Astronaut" by simplan: if you hear my voice come pick me up, are you out there After the fierce shouting, the most touching thing is the softness wrapped in rock, like the residual red that reaches the ground after a heavy rain.What else is there but heartbreak?

That weekend, Caiwei and I made an appointment to go to the cinema to watch a movie.While waiting in the theater lobby, I ordered a cup of hot tea with lemon and sat quietly without saying a word.

Caiwei wore a very gorgeous dress that day. Caiwei is such an exquisite woman. Every time she goes out, her makeup looks like a noble lady who will appear in a wealthy TV series at any time.Sometimes, Caiwei occasionally has convulsions, and she doesn't look amazing in her clothes.Every time I do this, I will show an expression of being unteachable.

According to the usual practice, I will comment on Caiwei's clothes, then transition to the recent daily life, and then balabala a bunch of women's topics, life topics, workplace topics, celebrity topics, everything in detail, and everything.

But that day, in the waiting hall of the theater, Caiwei looked at my sleepy look, and seemed to feel the bad emotional reaction caused by my recent heartbreak.She said: "Ruoru, with this look of despair and restlessness, is it because she has lost her love?" I firmly and forcefully responded to her question.

I said: "No way, I just watched some beautiful and beautiful love stories recently, and I was so infected by the stories. Hey, love is as painful as it is beautiful. If this is the case, I would rather be at home all over the world and be alone. Go unrestrained and wander the world."

Caiwei was my best friend from elementary school to university. We played the game of Malan Huahua jumping rubber band together when we were wearing crotch pants, and then from middle school to university. A love history with ups and downs.Real knowledge comes from practice. For this reason, I regard Caiwei as a love expert and emotional expert.But even so, when I told Caiwei about my unspeakable thoughts for the first time at the age of 25, Caiwei was still a little caught off guard. She looked at me with her mouth wide open, as if suddenly looking at a stranger. There was silence.

After a long time, Caiwei seemed to have recovered from a huge disaster. She said, "Ruoru, are you sure you really like women, not just a momentary curiosity and impulse?"

I said: "My answer to this question is more certain than 21." My firm tone dispelled her doubts.

After more than ten years of friendship, Caiwei and I have become an indispensable part of our respective lives. The two of us are like our own mirrors, which can clearly see the most secret parts of each other that are unknown to everyone.

I remember that summer, when the arrogant Caiwei lost her love for the first time, and my first crush on the Internet was fruitless.The two injured women drove all the way from the Jiangsu and Zhejiang Plains to the vast and barren Northwest Plateau in a desperate attitude. After staying in Dunhuang in the northwest for a few days, they drove from the Northwest Plateau to the Inner Mongolia Grassland with pride.

In the Xilin Gol Grassland in Inner Mongolia, I experienced horse riding for the first time, and then I was out of control. I think I have the potential to ride a horse, or I was a horse herdsman in my previous life.The boundless grassland is like a huge green carpet. I hold the rein and gallop in the hunting wind.After returning, Caiwei said to me: "Are you crazy? What if you fall off at such a fast speed?"

I didn't think of falling off. I only knew that when the speed of riding a horse reached a certain level, faster than a certain inertial thinking inherent in my body, I would leave my sorrow behind and gain temporary happiness.

If my love story is hidden in the cabinet, then Caiwei is the only light that shines into the cabinet. I will tell Caiwei all my hard-to-dispel secrets. Caiwei is a good listener, and she will always Appropriately appease my emotions and express my views.

And this time, I didn't tell Caiwei about the story with the little demon.Because I can foresee Caiwei's reaction.In countless dark nights, I brewed this story into a cup of bitter wine and sipped it alone.

That day, I dined with Caiwei in the restaurant. This is a dark restaurant. The color of the restaurant is mainly gray and black. The brown wooden tables and chairs look very textured. A few yellow chandeliers emit soft light. Most of the customers are well-dressed couples, and the air is full of love.

Some soft pop music was playing in the store. Not long after sitting down, I heard Lu Xiansen's "Spring Breeze Ten Miles": The plane flew over the city full of traffic, thousands of miles away, and never left.I said, "Caiwei, I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well, I'm going to the bathroom."

During the time when the little demon disappeared, my emotions would suddenly collapse. As a psychological counselor, I couldn't manage my emotions well.At this time, there seem to be countless little beasts in my heart, biting me.

Caiwei is a careful girl, she looked at me and said: "Ruoru, what's wrong with you? Have you ever cried?" I said: No.Just a little uncomfortable.

not yet?Your eyeliner is crying.

It seems that my self-control can no longer hide the sadness in my heart. If so, let the sadness flow upstream and flow out.So, I told Caiwei about my past with Xiao Yao.

Caiwei couldn't believe the story that happened to me.In the end, she said: "You are just living in your fictional beauty, and there is a distance between the beautiful image constructed on the Internet and the reality. How can you, a woman in her 30s, start an 18-year-old innocent girl's dream. This It’s a disease that needs to be cured.”

Caiwei's words are not unreasonable. For me, the good impression Xiaoyao built on the Internet is very useful to me.Just like the phoenix-tailed bamboo under the moonlight, people can never forget it because of the distance they cannot touch.To put it bluntly, I have the cheap nature of most people, and what I can't get is always the best.Once you get it, the mystery will be eliminated, and everything will become habitual.

Caiwei's comfort has little effect on me. Emotion and reason are always two different things.During the days when Xiao Yao was lost, in order to halve the sadness, I arranged my spare time so full that I had no time to miss Xiao Yao.But during the busy breaks, the little demon's name, like a swaying water plant, would get entangled with me in the wind from time to time, making it unclear.

Caiwei said, why don’t you go to Kathmandu, Nepal to meditate for a period of time. I have friends who have lost love by my side, and after returning, my whole mental outlook is completely new.Consulting work can be put on hold for now.

It’s ironic to think about it. As a marriage expert, I can analyze other people’s love calmly and objectively, but I can’t save myself when I’m trapped in this emptiness of online love.

I followed Cong Caiwei's advice. It's not that I don't have much confidence in meditation to heal this unresolved relationship, but I really can't think of other ways to relieve my unresolved sadness.

In late March, the crabapple flowers on the streets are in full bloom, and the streets and alleys of the city are full of fresh green, and the nature is full of vitality.

In the terminal of Shanghai Pudong Airport, I wore a polka-dot Korean trench coat, re-permed my hair, and pushed a 24-inch suitcase.Caiwei saw me off.She said: "Nothing can hurt you more than your restless heart, and nothing can help you more than your stable and balanced heart. I hope you can let go of your obsessions and come back with a new look."

I smiled and said to Caiwei, I hope.Then turn around and walk into the boarding gate.Yes, I hope this meditation journey can be like spring, allowing me to discard many useless and decayed things on my body, and my life can be reinvigorated and grow new leaves like the trees on the street.