Jonson's Diary

March 2018, 3, windy, light rain

When I returned home late at night, Xiaosong heard the sound and ran towards me, growling at me with hostility. When I took a step forward, he opened his mouth and was ready to go.

I know he doesn't bite, he doesn't bite, Xiaosong is very good.

I stood there motionless until Xue Lin was woken up by Xiaosong's barking.With a cold face, Xue Rin dragged Xiaosong back to the room, and after a while came over with a gray towel, he put the towel on my head, and rubbed my hair roughly.

I finally came to my senses, avoiding his hand, and said lightly: "Thank you."

Xue Lin turned his head and left: "Your [Fu Qiang] mother is sick? What are you not satisfied with after so long? Will you die if you just say it? What do you think of me?"

The door closed with a bang.

I stood there for a long time before walking back to the room.

Xue Lin's room was next to me for a long time, and it took me a long time to notice that Xue Lin was knocking on his door rhythmically, repeatedly.

I hesitated to open the door of my room, and finally closed it hard, making sure that Xue Lin could hear the sound of me closing the door, then tiptoed down and sat down, listening carefully.

I was a little dazed, this is actually a game we often play when we are in Secondary School - Morse Code.

Xue Rin was still tapping repeatedly, but I couldn't hear it.My mind went blank, and despite my efforts to recall, everything in my mind seemed to be separated from me by a wall. I knew he was there, but I didn't know the specifics.

Xue Lin is still knocking.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

I suddenly realized, SRI—sorry.

I want to laugh and cry again.What are you apologizing for?Obviously it's me, it's obviously my fault, it's me who deliberately kept the distance, it's me who made you sad, why do you apologize, it's never you who should say sorry, but me.

I'm a scum, didn't you know that fact a long time ago?

"Qiao Song? Qiao Song, are you there? I'm so stupid, you should have gone back to your room earlier."

"Qiao Song, can you stop living in your own world? Even if you are world-weary, don't hate me. To be honest, you still quarrel with me for a good man like me? It must be your fault, after all I am a good man!"

"Actually, the years when I left were very bitter, but I won't tell you. The so-called coming out is far from as simple as I said, but you must have known it a long time ago! From childhood to adulthood, as long as you want to know , I can't hide anything from you."

"I still remember elementary school, that bracelet was not something important at all, I lost it on purpose, and I knew someone had handed it to the lost and found office, if you hear it now, I guess I don't have a good life, because you are stingy and vengeful !"

"Qiao Song, I always knew that you won't lose to anyone, and you won't give up easily. You're the kind of person who doesn't look back after hitting the south wall."

"Sometimes I think it would be nice if you were weaker. When I thought about it, you said to me with that indifferent face, 'You can say whatever you want', and I got goosebumps and scared me to death! I always do that I'm sorry for the grievances, you let me hit the south wall with you anyway!"

I'm sure he knows I'm out there, these words are irrelevant, he's playing the emotional card, I'm not sure if I'll soften my heart.

He knows me as much as I know him.I clearly know how to alienate him without any trace, and he also knows how to soften my heart.

I was calmer than ever, and analyzed bit by bit, although those analyzes are very difficult for me now.

He was silent for a long time, and he probably knew that I had guessed his intentions.

"Qiao Song, let's escape together! It's just the two of us, you can go anywhere you want."

"Tibet, Chengdu, or even a quiet small town are fine. We can live slowly, with flowers and grass, and brilliant sunrises and sunsets. We can spend the rest of our lives together."

"Qiao Song, I want you to live well and be with me."

Xue Lin already knew about my negative treatment attitude, maybe it was Dr. Cheng who contacted him.I am also wondering, it seems that the person who actively cooperated with the treatment before is not me.

Xue Rin was trying to make me hopeful. He protected his only flame with trembling hands, and approached cautiously, trying to pass some of his warmth to me.

But, Xue Lin, I can't feel it.

The so-called warmth, the so-called warm words, the sunny days, the brilliance of sunrise and sunset, I can't see, hear, or feel.

2018年3月10号，凌晨4点26分

Lately I've been dreaming about the good old days.

Me, Xue Lin, and grandma lived carefree together. Anhuai and the animals in the dormitory lived next door. Li Keji often traveled and was keen on sending me postcards and weird and beautiful things.

Li Weiren was still working, busy in the hospital with his feet on the ground, with a decadent look on his face.

When Xue Rin's stubborn temper came up, he was stubborn with me and insisted that I go to the amusement park with him.Don't even think about it, why are the two big men going to the amusement park?Riding the carousel?Or go to a haunted house?

And I reject all high-altitude projects, so there is still a ghost game?

"You're just afraid of heights! Xiao Qiao, are you still going to admit it?" Xue Lin smiled meanly, and wanted to beat her up when she saw it.

The most heart-wrenching thing is that my grandma is still on Xue Rin's side, could it be that I picked it up?Xue Lin is his grandson.

An Huai was still the same, quietly squatting in a corner, with a low sense of presence.

I stood on the 100th floor and looked down at a height of about [-] meters.

Scattered vehicles ran past at high speed, and the icy wind rushed in, and the roaring sound filled my ears.From a distance, the twinkling lights are like stars, but there are no twinkling lights in the sky, maybe, I mean maybe.

Is there such a possibility, maybe the stars in the sky become lights on the road, so that we can no longer see the stars in the sky.

There is no such possibility.

I'm just whimsical, like a fool, like I never grew up.

I used to think that being afraid of heights was a very shameful thing. This stalk has been played by bad friends for many years.I'm the kind of person who can't even step on a transparent floor.

Once, when we went to the shopping mall, the floor on the second floor was transparent. I stood on the side and looked down and felt ashamed.

Xue Lin forced me to walk over, yelling that he was going to the shop over there to buy a hat.I was so nervous the whole time, I was afraid that the floor would suddenly shatter, and I would die every step I took.

Xue Rin also laughed at me and said, "You know what? Xiao Qiao, you are like a mermaid that has landed on the shore, the kind that endures great pain with every step you take."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, my mind turned wildly, and I quickly thought of more than ten ways to take revenge on Xue Rin.

"What? Do you still want me to invite you up?"

I came back to my senses and found Xue Lin squatting in front of me.

"What are you looking at? I'll just take one step behind you!"

"I'm just thinking about how clear your brain circuit is to think of carrying me in the court, court, public, and public. I'm not a disabled person." Reluctantly cut the number of retaliations in half!

Xue Rin looked me up and down: "You now...is there any difference?"

The matter ended with me closing my eyes and Xue Lin led me through.However, the number of times Xue Rin was retaliated by me surged to fifteen times, because he actually led me to bump into a pillar, and he laughed like a schadenfreude.

When I first got sick, I thought it was okay to be afraid of heights so that I wouldn't keep thinking about jumping off stairs.

And now, I think it would be better to jump off.It's a scary thing to lose your fear or awe of something.

Because of fear and awe, we will not do that thing, and we will not cross the red line set by ourselves.