gallop

Once open.

"My mother is mentally abnormal. I remember her reaction has been very slow. I don't know when it started. I don't remember when I was three or four years old. When I was five years old, my mother gave birth to a child at home. As soon as it was born, the man went crazy. He got very angry, and the midwife stopped me from beating my mother, so he turned around and hit me, hitting me with something, leaving a scar here."

Chen Dao pointed to the end of his left eyebrow.

She continued: "My younger sister was raised at home for a year. During that year, my mother's spirit became better. Sometimes she could be awake for a few days before the person beat her next time. One day that person took my sister out of the house, and the next day he When I came back, I said that my younger sister was raised by someone else. From that day on, my mother kept crying. Whenever she saw her crying, the man slapped her and hit her on the head. Later, my mother never regained consciousness. When I was eight years old, some family members came to my door to ask Returned my sister to us, saying that their family didn’t need it after giving birth to a child. The man quarreled with them and asked for a sum of money, and my sister came back. After a few days, my sister was lost.”

can not stop.

"I did." Chen Dao said, "I searched for a long time in our village and couldn't find it. When I found it outside the village, a boy told me that he had seen my father bury things on the mountain. I brought a shovel home and followed him. Look, dug a lot of holes in that wasteland and I got it. She was dirty and smelly and totally changed, I reburied her and came home with a shovel covered in dirt. My mother looked at me that day , suddenly woke up, she asked me: 'Did you find it?', her expression was terrible, I dare not speak, she said: 'It's good to be buried in the ground, that's good.' After that day, her waking time became more and more many."

Chen Dao's narration is not over yet.

"I finally know what it's like to have a mother. Waiting for the man to go out to drink, we are just the two of us at home. She hugs me and sings to me, tells me stories, bathes me, braids my hair. She washes herself, dresses me up, asks I asked her if she was beautiful, and I said she was more beautiful than all the women in the village. She smiled and said, because she is not from the village. I asked her where she came from, and she said Shanghai. She told me about Shanghai What kind of place is it? People there have fashionable clothes. Many girls go to college. After college, they will have knowledge and culture. In the future, they will work in high-rise buildings to earn money for themselves. She said that if she didn’t come to our village, she should also work in high-rise buildings .

"She said that if other people found out, she would get mentally ill again and never get well again, so I didn't say a word. I want her to be well forever, to be able to talk to me, and to care about me. Even if the man drinks I’m not afraid of beating us and scolding us when I come back drunk, I still have my mother. How I wish this kind of life can last forever.” Chen Dao’s eyes became wet unknowingly, “It’s my first birthday, I’m nine years old, and I don’t have a cake , my mother asked me to blow out a lighter, so happy. The man came back in the middle of the night and we started to eat. He fell down and foamed at the mouth while eating, and my mother became so strong that she stuffed his mouth with clothes. Bind his hands and feet with torn sheets, she wrapped her head with a red scarf, and carried a plaid bag on her back, asking me to keep an eye on that man, don't let others find out, then hold me and cry and let me go to Shanghai Find her and go out the door."

Chen Dao rubbed his eyes twice, but still didn't cry, and said, "At that time, I really hoped that that person would die. After he died, I could go to Shanghai to be with my mother."

It was difficult to breathe, Chen Dao let out a low growl, and took a deep breath, "I didn't realize until I was a teenager that my mother was trafficked and she wanted to go back to her home. She didn't take me away because I It’s not clean, there’s that man’s blood on his body. But he’s still dead now, and I’ve come to Shanghai, even though I haven’t seen my mother, I have nothing to ask for.”

Here, the narrative finally ends.The corner of Chen Dao's mouth curled into a smile, and he looked at Pan Shi: "I've never said these things, and I haven't told them to my two previous partners, but now I'm telling you, just pretend you didn't hear it." .”

After hearing so many horrific events, Pan Shi's body became so cold that she dared not move.

"Are you scared?" Chen Dao smiled, "Little girl, I haven't experienced anything before."

Pan Shi was not convinced, but she had to admit that what she experienced was nothing compared to Chen Dao.Foaming at the mouth, maybe he drank the pesticide, but he didn't die. You can imagine the fury of Chen Dao's father after he broke free. How did the nine-year-old Chen Dao vent his anger?Chen Dao didn't say a word.In the next ten years, how many beatings did Chen Dao endure before he completely left home?Chen Dao didn't say anything.

She couldn't help thinking, since Chen Dao's mother could run, why didn't she take Chen Dao with her?After all, this is her own child, how can she have the heart to let a child be beaten instead of her?

But she changed her mind to stand in the position of Chen Dao's mother, a woman who has been abducted and trafficked for ten years, has been tortured, and is over 30 years old. How difficult is it to get married and start a family again?If she came back with a child, how would the neighbors look at her?

Taking a step back, keeping the child is an outlet for Chen Dao's father to vent his anger. If she also takes the child away, there is no guarantee that Chen Dao's father will send the whole village or even the town to look for it. If he finds it in the future, With this child who connects the blood of the two, nothing can be explained clearly. Even if Chen Dao's mother returns to Shanghai, she will not be able to escape the shadow, and she will never be at peace for the rest of her life.

But these thoughts turned in her mind, and she didn't dare to say it in front of Chen Dao.

After thinking about this, Pan Shi's fear gradually receded, and sympathy and pity rose in her heart.

She glanced at Chen Dao, hesitated and held Chen Dao's hand.

Chen Dao immediately shook off her hand as if he had been stung, and looked over with surprise in his eyes.At this moment, Pan Shi inexplicably gained courage. Although her heart was beating fast, she still stood in front of Chen Dao, put her arms around her shoulders, and hugged her gently.

Chen Dao didn't refuse anymore, touched his forehead to her chest, wanted to laugh but was suddenly full of exhaustion, and whispered: "Do you know what you are doing?"

"I know." Pan Shi said, "I also know that there is something you didn't say."

"What?" Chen Dao's throat tightened.

"You like women, don't you?" Pan Shi laughed.

Chen Dao's tone became relaxed: "Yes. Then you still dare to touch me, aren't you afraid that I will do something to you?"

Pan Shi had a smile on her face, but didn't speak.She felt that she should speak. She should not be silent at this moment. Silence was like tacit consent, but she still didn't say it.

However, Chen Dao did nothing.

The rain outside had eased, but no one cared.

At ten o'clock, the time specified for the hourly room arrived, and the two of them walked out of the hotel. Sure enough, the rain had already stopped.

There were three or two pedestrians on the road, but no one went to see Pan Shi's legs.

Pan Shi didn't change her skirt.

"Let's go for a walk elsewhere. It shouldn't rain anymore." Pan Shi suggested that she was going to wear this skirt to go home. Mother Pan went to bed late, and she wanted to go back after she fell asleep.

"Where do you want to go?" Chen Dao asked.

"I don't know." Pan Shi has no direction, and no place in Shanghai is attractive to her, or she is repulsed like a high-end shopping mall.

"Then just walk around." Chen is not in a hurry today, and there is still the last bag of things left. When this night is over and tomorrow dawns, she will have nothing to worry about, and she can go wherever she wants at the last moment.

No, there is another surprise.

Chen Dao said to Pan Shi, "I won't come tomorrow."

"Ah?" Pan Shi was surprised, "Do you have anything else to do?"

"I want to walk around. I'm not near here. I might go out of Shanghai one day."

"What about your job?"

"Resigned."

Pan Shi's chest was suffocated for a while, and she thought a lot.Does Chen Dao mean that we will never see each other again?Could it be that the hug she gave her today made Chen Dao want to stay away from her?Or did Chen really mind her legs?Originally interested in her, did you give up decisively because of these ugly legs?

In an instant, there was a lot of resentment in my heart.

Seeing her silence, Chen Dao knew that she was not feeling well, so he couldn't help feeling sad, and said, "It would be nice if I got to know you sooner."

After saying this, Chen Dao suddenly fell into an empty mood again.She shouldn't have thought that.cannot.

"How about getting to know me earlier?" Pan Shi asked angrily, forcing Chen Dao to think along this line.

If we had known each other earlier.

Does she still feel that life is boring?

Chen Dao became more and more confused.

"If I had known you earlier." There was only half a sentence, and my mouth couldn't continue.

And her thoughts are out of control. If she had known Pan Shi earlier, would she have liked Pan Shi?Will you pursue Pan Shi?Is there any chance for them to be together?

After being together for one year, two years, three years, five years, life is stable, will she still want to see her mother who is somewhere?To buy beautiful bags, clothes, and cosmetics for Pan Shi, will she change jobs for these?Then learn a craft, earn two or three thousand more a month, change a car, save a down payment, it will take decades for them to afford a house?When they are old and have no offspring, they take medicine at home for minor illnesses and go to the hospital for serious illnesses. Will the two of them survive until they are 80 or 90?

In front of my eyes, I could see two old ladies hunched over and walking tremblingly on crutches.

All I think about is reality and sorrow, and I only care about joy in my heart.

Tears fell from his cheeks, and Chen Dao was startled to realize that he was crying.

She didn't cry when recalling the past, but now she actually cried.

She looked at the water stains wiped away by her hands, and there was a loud, rumbling noise in her head.

in case.

It doesn't matter what follows the word, whether it's joy or sorrow, the word is already cruel.

Because she has no future, no ifs.

Those confused emotions are more and more dark clouds piling up in the sky, if these two words are the lightning thunder that splits the rain clouds, the tears are transparent rain, and the burning heart that is melting is red rain.When the rain is over, I regret waiting for the clear sky behind the dark clouds and thunderstorms.

Chen Dao stopped in his tracks.

Pan Shi turned around and looked at Chen Dao who was standing still. She was in a low mood and didn't notice anything strange about Chen Dao.

If that question is too old to answer, forget it, it's not just this one question that she can't get an answer to.

Today's farewell ceremony was a suffocating silence.

Pan Shi went upstairs and returned to her room. Pan Kai's door was open, and Pan's mother's voice was very shrill: "Really? How could this happen? It's terrible. Has anyone found the dead one?"

Pan Kai: "There is no clue, wait until we find other parts..."

Neither of them looked at Pan Shi who walked past the door.

She closed the door, and sat on the edge of the bed in a daze, looking at the scar on her knee that was exposed outside her skirt.

On the ninth day, Pan Shi went to work as usual.

She closed the umbrella and swung it sideways twice. Today's rain may not stop for the whole day.

When there is no car going in and out, Pan Shi is always in a daze, she can't see herself clearly.What kind of expectations did she have for Chen Dao?Chen Dao likes women, but she doesn't.She should not like it?Pan Shi thought for a long time, and suddenly became sober. This is unrealistic. Mother Pan will not allow her to be with women.

After thinking so much, Chen might not like her at all.Everyone is gone, what is she still thinking?

She wanted to sneer at herself, but she was so uncomfortable that she couldn't even sneer.

At night, the rain did not stop, and it was heavier than when we came out in the morning.

The floor tiles on the sidewalk were a little uneven, so she lowered her head carefully to avoid puddles, and the soles of her shoes would occasionally make the sound of "slapping" water, causing rain to splash on her trouser legs.She was in a worse mood.

When she got home, she still had a straight face, took a shower first, put on her pajamas and went back to her room.Going out for these days in a row, and staying at home with nothing to do today, I feel wrong everywhere and I am not used to it.

Books can’t be read, mobile phones are boring, and I can’t help turning around when I’m lying down, and I can’t find a comfortable position.Pan Shi tossed about for half an hour, sat up aggrieved and angry, her eyes were red, staring at the narrow old-fashioned two-door wardrobe next to the bed.

Pulling her hands apart, she saw the light blue chiffon skirt that was hung up yesterday, and Pan Shi reached out to take it off.New clothes should be washed before wearing, but she dare not hang out this skirt, and she probably won't have a chance to wear it, so she can only close the room and try it on for herself.

She stood in front of the mirror, picked up the hem of the skirt with both hands and twirled it gently.The workmanship is exquisite, the fabric is silky, and the skirt is so fairy-tale.Still a little dissatisfied, she matched it with a pair of white high heels, and took the off-white small bag that Chen Dao had given her, and carried it on her back.She smiled slightly, imagining how many people's eyes she would attract when she wore this outfit if the scars on her legs did not exist.

The door of the room was pushed open suddenly, and at the same time, a question came: "Why don't you go out to meet people today?"

Pan Shi's face turned pale in an instant, and she wanted to hide, but the room was so small that she could see everything at a glance, and there was no place for her to hide from Pan's mother's sight.She stood stiffly, her arms hanging down as if trying to cover her body, helpless.

Pan Shi, who was dressed strangely in front of her, stunned Pan's mother for a moment.She looked down and saw the scars on her knees, her blank expression was stained with disgust, and her thin eyebrows were furrowed.

"Mom..." Pan Shi murmured, as if begging for mercy, but only mouth-shaped, unable to make a sound.

Mother Pan didn't hear.

There was a stern look in her eyes, and she stood at the door and said, "When did you buy this? Where are you going to go dressed like this? Take it off quickly! Is this something you can wear? Do you know your legs How ugly? Who would marry you if people saw it? Do you want to deliberately disgust others and stay in this family for the rest of your life? Let me tell you, you better not think like this. You go!"

The pleading in Pan Shi's eyes was shattered by the stern shouts and turned into red mist.

"Mom." She finally made a sound.

She had a lot of questions to ask, but she only felt that her tongue seemed to be turned into shredded meat and blocked her throat. A sob was squeezed out of her throat, and she knocked away Pan's mother and ran out of the house before the tears fell.

"Oops!" Pan's mother yelled and grabbed the door frame, almost falling.She regained her senses and chased a few steps, shouting angrily: "Go out and don't come back!"

What responded to her was a loud "bang" from the door on the first floor.

Pan's mother was so angry that her chest heaved violently, and her face was full of anger. She went back to Pan Shi's room and wanted to throw away all her things. She swept her eyes and found that the room was clean and tidy, without any debris.She opened the closet and dragged out a few clothes from the hangers and threw them on the ground to vent her anger. She paused when she grabbed an apricot dress.

She held the hanger in one hand and held up the skirt in the other to look at it.Then she glanced at the door, came to the mirror, put the skirt close to her body, compared it to herself, pulled the waist of the skirt, and found that her waist could still wear the skirt.Immediately, a smile similar to that of Pan Shifang appeared on her wrinkled face, imagining how she would look back in time when she was young wearing this dress.