I exchange my innocence for ten years for your constant companion

You are not in the scenery, you are just the scenery

Traveling is only when you are by your side

——Zhang Haochen

As time passed between his fingers, the clothes on his body became thicker and thicker.

In the past, I always felt that a person can only do one thing with heart in a certain period of time. Now when I am in the next junior year and graduate, I want to do two things, one is to take the postgraduate entrance examination, and the other is to pursue he.

These two things do not conflict, and they are all about making yourself better and becoming like the self in your heart.So no matter how he treats me, I only know that when I miss him, I should think about him vigorously. After thinking about it, I should study quietly. When I am tired from studying, I will continue to think about him.I think, I think I like him, but I feel that I don't love him, I think I can't live with him for the rest of my life, I can't bear it, I can't even imagine, if I want to come out with him, then we will face each other What a stress.But now I feel that it is good to spend my whole life with him.Sure enough, what is not available is the best and most attractive?Of course, this is just my one-sided idea.He's a very mature, emotionally intelligent person, at least that's how I know him, at least that's the impression he gave me.However, he has a girlfriend, and the relationship between the two of them is still so good, it gives everyone the feeling that it is just short of getting a certificate.I feel that he is not interested in me, really not interested, but the current me, fat, short and ugly, who would like it?He and his daughter have such a good relationship, as a roommate, I should bless them both, how can I destroy them?But I miss him again.I don't know if I love him or not, and I don't know if I like him or not.When I see him, I feel very happy in my heart. I don't know when this kind of happiness started.When I met him for the first time, I just thought he was very pleasing to the eye and I could be friends with him.

When I moved to his dormitory, I didn't feel anything at first.

I don't know when it started, but when I saw him back in the dormitory, I would be very happy when I saw him. If he smiled at me, I would be so happy that I didn't even know what I was going to do.When I went to sleep at night, I saw his bed was empty, and I felt empty in my heart; if I saw him lying on the bed, and didn’t go to the apartment he shared with his girlfriend, I felt inexplicably stable and at ease in my heart up.

I went to the gym with him and saw so many men and women with good figure, but when I saw him, I was inexplicably happy and wanted to laugh.

On the way to the gym, if he rides a small electric donkey, I sit behind him, and I want to hug him and stick to his back.Sometimes, I think about it but dare not, because I am afraid that he will be angry, or that he will dislike him, and I feel itchy in my heart.

Last winter, during the winter vacation, I suddenly felt a lot colder at home and in my own room; for the first time, I felt that my bed was so big that I could only sleep in half, the other half was empty, and my heart was empty; Once I felt that the quilt was so cold, if only someone could warm the quilt for me.

After the Chinese New Year, I went to my good friend’s house to play and sleep with him. My good friend was very hot, and I was very cold. I tried my best to move over, but what I thought in my heart was—whether it would be the same on him hot.

At noon that day, I took off the sheets and quilt cover to wash, and carried the quilt upstairs to dry. I told him, let me sleep on his bed for a while, and when he was going to sleep, I would get up.I slept on his bed, and I hated the smell of his bed—it was the smell of hairspray on his head.

When he was going to sleep, I didn't think about it and pretended not to wake up. In desperation, he had no choice but to come up and sleep with his back to me.He gave me all the quilts, and I pulled some for him, but he said he didn't need them.

I fell asleep for a while, turned around, and saw his back, I wanted to hug him, but I didn't dare, thinking that he would definitely repel him, so I didn't do anything in the end, and turned back to face the wall sleep.

After this time, I was out of control, thinking about him all the time, I don't know if it was him or his bed, I always wanted to climb into his bed and sleep.

He refused, saying that he didn't like other people sharing the same quilt and bed with him, and that his relatives came to his house to spend the night, and he never did.Since then, I have never slept in his bed again. I made a fuss many times, and if I stayed on his bed, he would drag me down.

I went to consult a psychological teacher, and the teacher asked me why I wanted to sleep on his bed, whether it was because I wanted to sleep with him or just because I thought his bed was softer than mine, and I said I wanted to.The teacher asked me if I had a girlfriend I liked. I was disturbed by the things Yu Lei gave me at the time. The teacher helped me analyze the gift Yu Lei gave me for a long time.In the end, the teacher said that I just want to be in that state, and I just miss that state.

But when I consulted at the time, I also answered with reservations.At that time, I couldn't accept myself that I would like him.

Once, I asked him to help me get something, I don't remember.I just remember that he put my arms around me and operated my computer. I could only lower my head lower and lower, almost touching the table. He seemed to sense my embarrassment, so he changed his position—— Squeeze me aside, turn my computer around, and concentrate on helping me.

Once, he was doing his hair in the bathroom. I thought I wanted to go to the bathroom or something. Seeing him like that, I felt my heart beat a little faster, and my face felt a little hot, so I hurried him out and closed the door.Then on the way to the evening self-study together, I said something, I don’t remember, it seemed that I thought he was too little, and said that he was not afraid of catching a cold.He seemed to have misheard or something. He kept saying that he was not cold, that he didn’t have a cold or fever. Seeing if I didn’t believe it or not, he moved his head closer, and then said if he didn’t believe it, you touched my forehead. My face became hot in an instant, and I quickly moved away from him. , Say I don't want to touch you or something.Zhiming from behind smiled.

When he had an accident with his girlfriend at the end of this semester, his head was broken a little, his neck couldn't move well, and his tailbone also hurt.He came back to take a bath and asked me to wash his hair. Don’t let the wound on his head get into the water. I’m shy. It’s not easy for me to wash him where we are standing. Let him wash one side by himself. There is a wound on the other side. I'll wipe it for him.After I finished wiping him, looking at his fair face, I had the urge to kiss him, and I immediately ran back to the bedroom from the balcony to continue watching the movie.Most of his clothes are in the apartment he shared with his girlfriend, so he can only ask us to borrow clothes.I gave him a new pair of underwear that I hadn't worn and lent him a pair of pants.I lent him the shirt I wore when I graduated from high school, it was too small, and I replaced it with Zhiming's white shirt.The white shirt made his neck and face very white, so that I wanted to bite his neck and send him to his girlfriend's hospital (he was afraid that something would happen to him halfway), in order to resist this feeling in my heart Impulsive, I try not to look at him for more than 10 seconds.When I was delivered to his school gate, he asked me to go back. I was halfway there, worried that something might happen to him, so I ran back and sent him another way with the excuse of going to Yuexiu.

I wanted to verify it, and I wanted to ask myself in the depths of my heart, whether I really like him, whether I just regard him as a person to solve my inner loneliness, whether I just regard him as a spiritual sustenance, or not Just because I feel at ease by his side and feel safe by his side?But after sorting it out like this, I'm afraid I really like him, but I'm always denying this feeling in my heart.

As long as I stay with him, I feel very comfortable, and I don't want to leave him, but I also feel this way when I am with Xing.But it feels like I feel differently about him than I do about Star.I just regard Xing as a good gay friend, I don't think about Xing like I think about him, and Xing has a girlfriend, so I don't talk to Xing much.But in the small hotel next to the Xing School, I saw Xing chatting with his girlfriend, saw him look crazy, and heard him chatting with his girlfriend, why did I feel so blocked that night?Probably out of anger that he ignored me for throwing dog food and showing affection, I forcibly transferred my feelings towards Chen to him.

Forget it, forget it, speaking of it this way, I really like Chen, but I have been denying myself before, so I dare not admit it.But he has no feelings for me, and he and his girlfriend are so good.

How to do it?That's like what I said before, boldly like and boldly love, don't be coy, if he doesn't like me, he doesn't like me, I like him is my business, he doesn't like me is his business.

I'm studying hard now, making up what I need to learn. When I miss him, I miss him terribly. After thinking about it, I continue to study. When I'm tired of studying, I continue to miss him.In this way until graduation, everything will be over, if he still doesn’t like me, at that time, no matter he and his girlfriend get a certificate, or I don’t like him anymore, or other things, I will have a relationship with him eventually cut off.For me now, as long as I miss him, I should think about him well, and when I am done thinking about it, I should review the subjects for the make-up exam carefully and spend this summer vacation well. No one knows what will happen in the future!Now you have to put your heart into it, whether it's studying or chasing after him.I'm 21 and time is running out. (2017/08/06/16:43)