How to Raise Your Regressor

"Welcome to the New Dawn Guild, Samur!" The loud cheer was followed by thunderous applause.

"I look forward to working with you all." I smiled.

Seriously though, did they really need to 'welcome' me in such an extravagant way?

Like, couldn't they have just given me an Offer Letter along with a Contract stating the terms and my salary. I would have quietly signed and become a member of this Guild.

But no, someone had this genius idea to throw an inauguration ceremony in my, a patient's, room.

I bet it was Noelle.

"Was this the thing I had to do after waking up?" I asked Neia.

"Mm. Do you like it?" She smiled, a glint of hope in her eyes.

"I wouldn't say I dislike it. Whose idea was this, anyway?"

"Azell." She looked at the wanker who was talking to Vafferan and Noelle.

As if he had sensed her gaze, he turned towards us. After saying something to the two beauties surrounding him, he made his way towards us.

By the way, I was still lying in my bed because I was apparently still recuperating.

"Welcome to our family, Samur."

How many times are you going to- wait.

"Family?"

"Yes. We are all a big family here."

That's exactly what an employer who wants to overwork me would say.

Have I unknowingly signed up to a corporate scam?

"Then what is my position in this family?"

"Position?"

"You know, whether I'm the unloved step child, or the butler's son who no one likes. Where do I stand in this familial hierarchy?"

I personally prefer being the unloved step child, because that gives me the greatest amount of freedom.

Having people love me is all good, but they tend to interfere when they think that I'm going to do something dangerous.

Like, what do you mean I can't risk my life for a bag of chips? Show some emotional maturity, chief.

And right now, Noelle and Azell are the top contenders to disapprove of my methods.

If I were to compare, then I like Arteria's treatment. Not too close, yet not too far apart either.

"None of them." He sighed. "We would never treat you like that."

Wow.

"That was a joke." I also sighed.

Develop a sense of humour, Azell. Ladies love it, and so do men, if that's what you're into.

"I don't like it when you make jokes like this."

Then plug your ears, you little bitch.

"Self-deprecating humour is my forte."

"Yeah, sure. Anyway, in case it was not understood, we are not a literal family. What it means-"

"That you love and look out for each other et cetera, et cetera. Yes, I'm aware of that."

This is not the first time I've been made a part of a metaphorical family.

"Nice. So, once again, welcome to the family."

"Thanks for making me a part of it."

That was quite the detour.

"Pfft!"

Hmmm?

We both looked at the source of that snicker, and sure enough, it was our friendly Dragon, Neia Al Medic Divul.

"Ah, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to laugh like that." She frantically waved her hand while trying to stifle her laughter. "It's just that your conversation… hahahhaha!"

This is just wow.

"We have Samur to thank for that." Azell smiled.

"Do not blame me."

"Hahahahahahaahah!"

Bruh.

"Was she always like this?" I whispered to Azell.

"Yes."

Oh well, I suppose it's nice that she's so cheerful.

Anyway, the discount inauguration ceremony raged on as the 7 members talked and sipped what seemed to be fruit punch.

Quite the family friendly party they have here.

They sure are a bunch of wussies though. Who the fuck parties with fucking 'Fruit Punch'?

Real men and women drink Chocolate Shakes, because that shit claps hard.

However, and unfortunately, I was not able to savour the mediocre fruit punch, thanks to my doctor.

Like bruh, they're throwing a party to welcome me into the Guild, yet I can't eat or drink anything.

I hope they get indigestion from that fruit punch.

"Here, I made this especially for you." Neia handed me a glass of pink liquid.

Never mind, they can enjoy their drinks without having troubled stomachs.

"What's this?"

Not only was it not a chocolate shake, my drink was pink while theirs was purple.

"A medicinal drink." Neia replied.

I swear to God I'm not coming back to her for treatment.

"Oh well. Cheers."

I took a sip and a burst of tanginess hit my mouth, followed by a sweet yet slightly bitter taste.

"Mm."

If these are the kind of things I get to eat and drink, then I guess having her as my exclusive doctor wouldn't be too bad.

"You like it? Thank God." She heaved a sigh of relief, just like the time she handed me a bowl of soup.

"You should have some more confidence in yourself."

"I'll try my best." She smiled wryly.

"Do you actually like her cooking?" Arteria, who was silently sipping her fruit punch like an antisocial creep, asked.

"What's there to not like about it?"

The peculiar tastes hidden in her foods and drinks suited my palate.

"You know, they are so… weird." She shuddered.

"I see. I didn't know that vampires had such an inferior tongue."

Time to add this into my database.

⟦That's a subjective opinion.⟧

[Fuck off.]

"What? You little brat, you are the weird one for liking her cooking."

I see. No wonder Neia had no confidence in her skills.

-100 points for Arteria on my favourability scale.

"Yup, sure." I scoffed.

"No, seriously. How could you?"

Wut?

"Well, compared to things I have eaten, her cooking is just so much better."

In my billions of years of life, I have consumed so many normal food items that they now taste like sand (metaphorically speaking, that is).

Unique flavours like Neia's are what get me going now. Only they can simulate my tongue and make me feel alive.

"Oh…" Arteria's eyes widened.

"…" While Neia's drooped. "D-don't worry, after you're discharged, we will give you so much delicious food that you'll drown in it." She smiled, but a hint of sadness was apparent behind it.

Hmm, it would seem I have once again shot myself in the foot.

No wait, it's not my fault.

And it's not just me avoiding responsibility, it's literally their fault.

Like bruh, why do they have to make the worst possible conclusions from my statements? Why can't they just take them literally like any normal person would?

You know what? It's time to confront them directly about it.

"It would seem you have misunderstood me."

"No, there's no need-"

"Listen to me first." I cut off Neia.

"O-ok."

Looks like my tone was way sterner than what I wanted it to be.

"As I said, you've misunderstood me. My life was, let's say, tough, but it's not like they fed me rotten food or something. The meals they gave me were normal and nutritious."

Or so I would like to assume.

""R-really?"" Both Neia and Arteria seemed taken aback.

"So, the reason I like Neia's cooking is not that the meals I've had tasted worse than her. I just genuinely like what she makes. I hope that the difference is clear."

""I-I see."" They both stiffly nodded.

"Also, please stop deducing the worst possible things from my words because most of the time, I literally mean what I say."

"Okay."

"I understand."

"Perfect."

Let's hope they don't make the same mistake again.

They won't, right?