How to Raise Your Regressor

"Because we are going to a birthday party," Jennifer smiled in response to my question.

Wow.

I'm 100% sure that Jennifer is feeling really smug right now for suggesting her 10000 IQ 'solution'.

She must think it was absolutely genius of her to take me to a birthday party because I didn't host one on my own to show me how wrong I was and how much I missed by not celebrating my own birthday.

Honestly, Jennifer should just go fuck herself.

"Who's birthday party?"

Besides, isn't it too convenient that she has a birthday party ready to take me to the moment I told her that I didn't celebrate my own?

I call bullshit on this one, chief.

Azell, the cheeky motherfucker, must be behind this. He must have collaborated with Jennifer to ensure that I would go to a fucking birthday party and enjoy myself.

He's going hard to prevent me from killing myself.

Of course, his efforts will be in vain.

This begs the question though; just how did he know I turned 13 when I made it up just minutes ago?

I didn't tell anyone my birthdate because I don't know it myself, and no one knows that it was the Eckart Ducal family that kicked their cursed boi out.

Did he investigate my background through some unknown means? Perhaps he's the head of his own secret organisation and he used his information network to find out where I came from.

Or maybe Voloha, the mentally unstable Princess, gave me up in exchange for, I dunno, nude pics of me? I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if that's what happened.

Wait, why am I critically analysing my own hypothesis to determine whether it's right or wrong?

We don't do that here.

This is all Jennifer and Azell's fault, and they should go fuck themselves for it.

That's the end of it.

"Someone I know," Jennifer replied to my second question.

What a genius answer.

As if we'll go to a completely unknown person's birthday party.

...Well, frankly, I wouldn't put it past her.

"Obviously. I'm asking how exactly that person is related to you."

It would be fun, however.

Imagine you're celebrating your long-awaited birthday with your friends and loved ones, but just as you're about to blow out the candles on the cake, two unknown motherfuckers roll up, half-heartedly wish you, then gobble up everything you have prepared for this special day without even bringing you a gift.

That would be awesome I mean that would be a yikes from me.

"She's just someone I know," Jennifer replied.

"If she is 'just someone you know', why are you going to her birthday party?"

I imagine the all-important self-made Guild Master would have a lot of things to do, such as coercing innocent lads into eating breakfast, so I don't understand why she would waste her precious time on a mere acquaintance's birthday.

In fact, since they are just people who know each other, I'm sure the birthday girl invited Jennifer just out of courtesy, just to keep up appearances.

The socially acceptable response in such a situation is to nervously laugh, say you'd love to come but cannot because you have something to do that day, then never contact them again.

The birthday girl would have wanted Jennifer to give the same response.

However, Ms. Socially Awkward Guild Master here not only wants to go to that birthday, but also wants to take an unknown child with her.

Her social skills are abysmal; as expected of a probationary member of the New Dawn Guild.

"Because she invited me."

For her to not realise that she was invited just out of kindness... ah, truly pitiful.

It almost makes me want to guide this lost lamb and teach her Social Interaction 101, but I think it would be more amusing to accompany her to this birthday party and watch her and her acquaintances awkwardly interact with each other.

...

Huh, which means I would be going to a birthday party and enjoying myself, just like Azell intended.

Azell, that conniving bastard! He got me!

"But I doubt your... friend would appreciate you bringing an unknown child without asking her first."

Let's just give up on witnessing Jennifer's dreadful social skills in the flesh; I'm sure many such opportunities would present themselves during the time I'm with her.

"On the contrary," Jennifer smiled. "She would appreciate bringing someone with me."

Jesus, just how delusional is she? It's really impressive, in a way.

Or maybe, it's just her conceit talking; perhaps she cannot even imagine that someone would not be ecstatic to have her participate in commemorating the day they descended on this planet.

Either way, I hope this birthday girl just flips the fuck out and kicks Jennifer out of her party.

"I see," I nodded. "Well, I'm not at all interested in attending some unknown person's birthday party, so I'll have to decline."

"Oh don't be like that. It'll be fun."

Fuck off, Jennifer.

"Still not interested."

Imagine celebrating the day you were born. Disgusting.

There's no way I'd take part in such an abhorrent activity.

"Well, you cannot refuse."

"Why not?"

"Because it's an order from me, the Guild Master."

Of course, she wants to throw her weight around. Jennifer wouldn't be Jennifer without bragging about being a Guild Master.

"I don't think my job as a temporary guild member involves going out to attend parties with the Guild Master."

Rather, she should be preparing a temporary Party (the 'party' which Adventurers form to explore dungeons) to put me in and sending me on an utterly boring Dungeon Expedition.

I could make a new World Record though, so I kinda look forward to that.

It'll also allow me to get the fuck away from this woman, so bonus points for that.

"Oh, but it does," Jennifer smiled smugly.

"...And how exactly is it my job?"

"Because you are my secretary. And as my secretary, it is your job to accompany me to wherever I go."

Of-fucking-course.

I'm not even surprised anymore.

"I wasn't told about that."

"But that was the agreement between me and Azell. He simply must have forgotten to inform you."

Frankly, I wouldn't put it past him to 'forget' to tell me that I'm going to act as a fucking secretary.

"Also, shouldn't it be your bodyguard's job to accompany you wherever you go? As a secretary, my work should be more along the lines of setting up and scheduling appointments, preparing your schedule, handling relations with the other guilds et cetera."

"Does it look like I need bodyguards?"

"Bodyguards to protect others from you, yes."

"..."

"..."

"Well," Jennifer said as if nothing had happened. "Your responsibilities also include accompanying me to all social events, regardless of their size."

Shit. She got me there.

"While I would very much like to fulfill my role, it's been days since I last slept. I genuinely do not have the energy to attend a social event of all things."

Let's try appealing to her humane side. Perhaps she will find it in her to spare me today.

"Why didn't you sleep?"

"Probably because someone summoned me in the dead of the night to her Guild, then threatened to wake me up despite my clear lack of enthusiasm in being woken up thus causing me stress and rendering me unable to sleep."

I wonder who this piece of rotten shit could be. Surely not this woman in front of me.

"...Alright, then. I'll allow you to sleep."

"Thank you for your magnanimity."

Jennifer then turned around to leave my room (surprisingly). She opened the door and stepped outside.

However, just before closing the door, she declared, "The party is in the evening anyway, so sleep all you want. See you later."

...This motherfucker.