Cultivate a black technology god

Chapter 217 Ariel's past (19)

During the summer and autumn, Dr. Wilbur discovered that the psychoanalysis of Ariel had been carried back to the spring of 1996, when she regained her senses after a two-year hiatus between the ages of nine and eleven.

Already bewildered, she discovered that she was no longer allowed to sleep in her parents' bedroom.

When the reason was understood, so was the experience she had endured in this bedroom from the day she was born until she was nine years old.

Dr. Wilbur sees Ariel's experience as the birthplace of her attitudes towards sexuality, and even as the breeding ground for her illness.

On the first day Ariel came to her senses in March, the family was in the living room after dinner.

Heidi was reading a book by Tennyson and listening to the radio.

Willard held a copy of "Architecture Forum" and looked fascinated.

Ariel wants to do a charcoal sketch, but has trouble concentrating, distracted by a series of strange things she's been experiencing throughout the day.

"It's getting late, it's time to go back to your room, Peggy." Heidi ordered.

Ariel had long been used to the name Peggy, but she couldn't understand her mother's instructions.

She never had a room of her own.

She has been sleeping in her parents' bedroom.

Ariel said goodnight, and thoughtfully walked downstairs to the bedroom.

To her surprise the crib with rails was missing.

The only bed in the bedroom was her parents' big white iron bed.

"Peggy Luisiana!" came the mother's high-pitched voice from the living room,
"Why don't you go upstairs?"

go upstairs?Ariel didn't understand what her mother meant.

"It's past eight o'clock!" Mother's voice became sharper.

"You won't be able to get up again tomorrow morning. Miss Henderson is asking you, not me."

go upstairs?A few years ago, Heidi had designated an upstairs bedroom as Ariel's room.

But Heidi never moved the crib or Ariel over.

Ariel decided to see if it was the room her mother claimed it was.

The cot wasn't in this bedroom either, but there was a single bed for adults.

The new sheets and pillowcases are attractive.

Is this room for guests?There are no guests.

Could this big bed be hers?Since mother asked her to come here, the bed must be hers.

But when did they give her the bed?

Ariel undressed and slept for the first time in an adult bed in her own room.

She remembers: It was also the first time she didn't have to deal with the daily bedroom drama.

Exactly when she became aware of being deeply disturbed after going to bed at night, it is impossible to say.

Anyway, always disturbed.Until now, she was finally able to sleep peacefully without closing her eyes or lying on her side against the wall.

What Ariel stubbornly avoids is called "primitive scene" in terms of psychoanalytic terms-the parental sex that children hear and see.

This scene is called primitive because it is the child's first encounter with adult sex, and because it is the basis on which an adolescent builds his future feelings, attitudes, and behaviors.

In the process of child development, its importance should be listed first.

Some children do not have this primitive vision.For many children, it happens that a door is left open, thus allowing them to see their parents having sex.

Such occasions usually happen by chance and unintentionally.

What effect it will have on the child will depend on the atmosphere of the home.

If intercourse is private rather than taboo, then such brief encounters generally leave no psychological trauma.

But in Ariel's case, the original scene is no longer a fleeting glimpse, not a chance encounter, but a fixed scene that Ariel has witnessed for nine years.

In sharp contrast to this is their overemphasized etiquette and strange indifference in their daytime behavior.

During the day, they never kiss, touch, or show any affection.

In their home, matters of sex were seen as evil and depraved.

In their house, drinking, smoking, dancing, and even reading novels (which they considered "lies") were strictly prohibited.

The daughter's normal questions about the basics of sex life were never answered.

When Heidi was pregnant, Ariel's speech could not touch this "dirty" fact.

When the pregnancy was aborted, Willard Dorset buried the male fetus in a pit beside the back steps.

Ariel had no idea what was going on.

It is not allowed to ask what is the matter here, but to talk arrogantly about spiritual sanctity, and completely deny lust and attribute it to evil.

"All men hurt you," Heidi told her daughter. "They're mean, selfish, and worthless."

But on other occasions, she said that "Daddy is different from other men." Because Ariel has seen young boys with bare bottoms, Heidi actually made her daughter think that her father had been "castrated".

Because of Ariel's growing sexual denial and the realization that her father had been castrated, she was later surprised and bewildered by the facts.

She could only plug her ears and close her eyes.

Different avatars have different reactions.

Peggy Lu was disturbed and couldn't sleep, but she didn't block her ears and eyes.

"What are you talking about?" she would ask sometimes.

Heidi would answer her: "Go to sleep."

But Peggy Lou not only did not sleep, but also pricked up her ears to listen to what they had to say.

She didn't like her father and Ariel's mother talking softly about her.

They talked like this a lot at the dinner table, and she thought they did it in the bedroom too.

This whispering made her feel that she was being ignored, and she couldn't help being angry at it.

Even the rustling of the covers and sheets annoyed her.

As soon as she heard it, she wanted to stop it.

Soon after her grandmother's funeral, she was moved upstairs to sleep, and it was a relief not to hear the rustle of the sheets filling her ears.

Vicky has the palpable sense that Heidi Dorset is actually willing to let her daughter witness this.

Marcia feared for her mother's safety.

Mary hated this disregard for privacy.

Vanessa is sickened by her parents' hypocrisy.

There is also an incarnation, named Lu Xi, who appears when the psychoanalysis reaches the original scene.

She was still a toddler, about three and a half years old, and she couldn't even tell when she entered Ariel's life.

But of all the silent witnesses, she was the most indignant.

Rousey, Ariel's age, fought back at her parents with unabashed fury.

As soon as her parents went to bed, Lu Xi would call them: "Sleep with you, Mom. Sleep with you, Dad."

The reason Luxi was angry was that she didn't want her father to be intimate with her mother.

She felt that he loved her mother more than himself.

One night, Lu Xi climbed out of the small bed and walked silently to his parents' big bed.

Usually in the car, Lu Xi always sits between his parents.

Since it can be done in the car, it can be done in the bedroom as well.

Willard was furious and dragged his daughter out of bed.

He sat in the chair, crossed the toddler across his legs, spanked her ass, and returned her to the crib.

The child whimpered and sobbed until dawn.

"Never again," Willard said to Heidi,

"I will never beat a child again. Whoever has been crying all night must be heartbroken."

Willard had never spanked his daughter in the past and never did again.

But he didn't know that it was Lu Xi and Ariel who climbed into the big bed at that time, and it was Peggy Lu who cried all night.

The incident was so damaging that Ariel, who was acting with Rousey, had already passed out and turned into Peggy Lou.

Willard and Heidi, of course, were not affected much.

They still go their own way.Ariel continued to live like this until she was nine years old.

When Ariel was six, there was an episode that took place outside the white house with the black shutters.

It turned out that during the Great Depression, Willard Dorset suffered a serious setback, and even lost his house.

That house, for the sake of paying an old debt, became his sister's property.

Willard, penniless, took his wife and daughter to live on his parents' farm.

The farm was not far from home, five miles outside the town of Willow Corners.

There was only one house on the forty acres of land, a chicken coop.

Dorset moved here for a temporary home.The terrain here is undulating, and the house sits on a hill.

When Ariel moved in, she was very happy, because the strange things she had encountered in the house with the black shutters had stopped happening.

On this farm, which Willard jokingly dubbed "The Scavenger," autumn comes and winter comes, and winter comes and spring comes.

It has just snowed for three days, and it has stopped now.

Willard Dorset said to Ariel in his usual soft voice, as he added wood to the hearth (it was a chill in March):
"Let's go out and don't disturb your mother."

This meant that they were going back to the great oak tree down the hill which they had sawed before the snow fell.

Anything Ariel could do in the house by herself, she liked to color with crayons, play with and make clothes for dolls, play with Top the big dog, and read the primary book her father had bought for her. reading material.

Still, it's nice to be out again.

"Going right away?" she asked.

"I'll take care of mom and go," her father replied.

He always called her "Mom", but Ariel herself only called her "Mother".

When she was very young, Ariel used to call her "Mama", but she had long since changed to Mother.But her father didn't pay attention to this.

Her father was like that.

So handsome, so fresh, so successful in his career not so long ago.

But he was buried in his work - designing and building so many amazing houses, churches and granaries.

Some refer to him as "The Master Architect".But he just didn't have time to pay attention to things at home.

The other end of this room is used as a living room, bedroom and game room.

There was a man sitting motionless.This is her mother.

The gas lamp, used for lighting in the dark, was burning beside her.

Ariel could see her mother's gray hair, in wisps and curls in front and curls in the back held together with three bony barrettes.

Although it was only about three o'clock in the afternoon, she was wearing dark blue flannel pajamas and gray felt slippers.

Her hands were hanging straight by her side.Her head hung so low that she didn't even show her face.

Her mother was like the gannet on the piano in Willow Conners' big house, and she was like a statue in the Rochester City Museum.

Her mother had never been like that.

She's always been feeling good about herself, commanding everything, holding her head high.

Ariel once heard a neighbor say:

"Heidi Dorset holds her head up so high that I'm sure she wouldn't see a big crack in the ground."

There are many differences between mothers here and mothers in Willow Corners.There mothers do certain things to you.Mothers here do nothing.

Her father had gone up to her mother and gestured to Ariel.

Ariel understood what this meant.

She didn't like to do it, but my father had a bad hand and couldn't lift my mother by himself.

Since her mother was like this, she could only help him.

Both father and daughter stood beside her mother, but the mother acted as if she hadn't seen anything.

She didn't even care when she was lifted from the chair and moved to her special white porcelain commode.

While they waited for her to defecate, there was a slight displeasure on his father's face.

Afterwards, they moved her back into the chair and her father took the commode outside the house.

Now Ariel was alone with her mother.

Back home in Willow Corners, Ariel was always terrified when she was alone with her mother.

Here, she is not afraid.

Her mother did nothing to her.

She is a 47-year-old woman who can only be cared for like a baby.

Now they have to do everything for their mother.

She couldn't go outside to the toilet.They had to dress and feed her.

She swallowed so slowly that even a thin meal of soup would take hours.

In the big house, her mother cooks and Jess does the laundry and cleans.

There was no Jesse here, her father cooked, fetched water from the spring, and washed clothes in the river.He has to do everything.

His hands were also crippled by neuritis he picked up at Willow Corners.

Ariel turned to her doll, Norma, and added a blanket to her.

"I'm going out. You're going to sleep, and you won't be alone when you're asleep."

Her father came back and said to her mother, "Mom, I took Ariel out. You're all right."

What did he mean by talking to her?She can't hear, see, hear nothing.

Her eyes were open, but she didn't bat an eyelid when something passed her eyes.

Her mother wasn't asleep, but she was deaf and blind.

Talk to her and she never answers.

"Dad, you sit down."

Ariel lifted his long-haired parka from his homemade upholstered box.It was fluffy and looked great under his trousers.He never wore a long coat, but everybody who worked for him at Willow Corners used to do.

His father sat down and she buttoned his shirt collar, then helped him into his coat.She also helped him put on his overshoes with buckles.

"Stick your feet up," she ordered.

How nice to do this for dad.It was only after his hands were disabled that he asked her to work for him again.

When she was very young, he used to come home weary from a long day's work, and she anointed his feet with sweet ointment.

He suddenly decided to paint it himself.

"Why can't I paint?" she once asked him,
"Did I paint it wrong?"

"No, no, you painted well," he had replied,
"But you're too big."

What is too big?She doesn't understand.

"Well, papa, the overshoes are on, and you can get up."

She wore a red wool coat with a beaver collar, brown woolen leggings, three-button overshoes, and a red wool hat.

She never looks in the mirror.

She doesn't like to look at herself.

Her mother used to say that her nose was ridiculous.

"Daddy, I'm ready," she said.

"Coming," he answered, and went to her mother.

Afraid that the fire in the stove would not freeze her, he put her black coat on her shoulders as a shawl, and walked out together with Ariel.

Outside, everything is white and beautiful.

It was autumn when they first came.

It is early spring.Leaves grow quickly on the tree.

Ariel waited eagerly.

Her father also once said: "What a beautiful place."

Her little sled was outside the door.Her father said, "You can go sledding when we get back."

How she loved sliding down the round, snow-covered hills.

She never hits a ditch.She is careful.

They walked past the woodpile.

She likes to help her father move logs from this log pile.

At first, he couldn't pick up the wood, nor could he lift the wood.

She picked up a small piece of wood and placed it across his arm.

Her father was not strong enough to do the job, but he did it.

Ariel thought back to when they first came.

She will never forget that time when the car came.No one spoke.

She understood everything, but among the three of them, she cared least about losing her hometown.

She said a few words occasionally, trying to break the long silence, but she knew her parents didn't listen to what she had to say, so she finally shut up too.

But her mother said: "The chicken house can only raise chickens."

her father said:

"The house is quite clean, and I have never raised chickens."

As a result, her mother's neck became red.

She sneered:

"No, then we're the first ones. When I married you, I didn't think you'd turn me into a chicken. That's what your sister Clara did. And you're so stupid to let her At the mercy of."

Her father turned away and concentrated on driving the car without saying a word.

Her mother no longer sneered.

At Christmas, she changes.

Originally, her mother had told her parents, brother and sister in Eldwell, Illinois, that they would not be exchanging gifts for the year, but relatives sent things anyway, and her mother had no money I feel deeply depressed when I buy something and give it back.

So she stopped talking and never did anything else.

(End of this chapter)