Cultivate a black technology god

Chapter 201 Ariel's past (4)

Ariel didn't tell the doctor about her troubles, which included some horrible and unspeakable things to do with time and memory.

For example, in the late summer and early autumn, Ariel went to the doctor's clinic for treatment, but sometimes she couldn't remember exactly what she talked to the doctor.

Sometimes she just remembers walking into the elevator, but not walking into the clinic herself.

There were also times when she could remember coming to the clinic but not leaving.

On other occasions, Ariel was unable to tell her parents what the doctor had said about them, or even what the doctor had said at all.

Sometimes Ariel doesn't even know she's seen the doctor.

Once a strange thing happened, a joke:
Think of things you don't remember.

Ariel heard herself saying, "It's not as bad as it usually is."

"How do you know?" asked the doctor.

"Looks like I would have run to the hall at this moment," Ariel replied.

"Well," said the doctor, "you almost jumped out of the window. You just jumped up from the chair and rushed towards the window. I can't stop you."

Ariel didn't remember doing it, but she didn't argue.

More than once people have told her about doing things that she didn't actually do.

Therefore, as usual, she let others say whatever she wanted, without making excuses.

"I'm not really worried," the doctor explained.

"You can't fall out of the window. They're made of unbreakable glass, you know that."

Dr. Wilbur was serious now. "You seem to have had a little seizure," said the doctor.

"Not epileptic petit mals, but psychological petit mals."

psychological?The doctor said Ariel was neurotic.

This is not new.

What's new is that the doctor doesn't seem to blame her.

When things like this happened in the past, she always blamed herself.

No one else knows these things.

But she was sure that others would blame her for this unforgivable behavior if they knew about it.

Not only did Dr. Wilbur not blame her, but he also did not regard her illness as incurable, as she did.

Doctors offer three options for her immediate future:

Another year of teaching junior high, or going back to college, or going to Bishop Clarkson Memorial Hospital for intensive treatment.

Dr. Wilbur and a colleague headed the hospital's psychiatric department.

Ariel chooses the hospital.But when she told her parents, they were annoyed, even horrified.

For them, the hospitalization of their daughter means:

She is crazy.

"It has nothing to do with insanity," Ariel tried to explain.

"Dr. Wilbur told me that wasn't the case."

"Then it must have something to do with the devil," her father said in an ominous tone.

"Clarkson, Paxson," said her mother.

Although the hospital could be compared to hell, Willard Dorset agreed to have a good talk with Dr. Wilbur.

The location was chosen to be Clarkson Hospital, not her clinic.

Outside the hospital, Heidi and Ariel were sitting in the car - the mother biting her nails, the daughter gritting her teeth.

In the hospital, Dr. Wilbur is trying to correct the wrong ideas of Ariel's father, Willard Dorset, such as locking up his daughter, performing gray matter amputation, and contacting other seriously ill patients will make them worse , what else: go home if you get better, go back to the hospital if you relapse, and so on.

He also imagined hospitalization as a relentless cycle of admissions, discharges, and discharges.

Her father's worst fear was drugging his daughter.

"No," assured him, Dr. Wilbur,

"We're not going to do that." That's also explained.

In the end, Willard Dorsett, although still uncomfortable with his daughter's psychiatric treatment, agreed to her hospitalization.

According to Dr. Wilbur, the treatment at Clarkson Hospital was only a temporary measure.

The doctor felt that Ariel first needed psychological analysis.

"You're the kind of person who should be psychoanalyzed," she told Ariel.

"I'd like to come and do it for you myself, but I'm not a psychoanalyst yet. I'm leaving Omaha to study psychoanalysis. I suggest you go to Chicago for analysis after you leave Clarkson."

This prospect fascinated Ariel.

Chicago, not only means getting closer to my true self, but also means leaving my family.

For Willard and Heidi, however, psychoanalysis turned out to be problematic.

They had agreed to psychiatric treatment and even arranged for their daughter to be hospitalized, but psychoanalysis was another matter.

Ariel's parents were terrified that the psychoanalyst's couch for the patient would be at odds with their deepest religious beliefs.

Ariel's father held religious beliefs that were given to him at an early age by the family in which he was born.

Ariel's mother, originally a Methodist, embraced Willard's creed after a few years of marriage.

The dogma is that everyone has the right to choose between God and the devil, between God and the devil in the prophecy, between God and the serpent of the Bible.

God is fully responsible for those who choose him to bring them to heaven.

Conversely, those who choose the devil will go another way.

Willard Dorset was afraid of entrusting his daughter to the devil, and thereby setting himself up.

So, when Ariel asked him to let her go to Chicago for psychoanalysis, she couldn't answer.

"I don't know what to do," he said to Ariel,
"I need to discuss it with Pastor Weber."

The pastor was originally a decisive man, but now he encountered a difficult problem raised by Willard Dorsett:

Whether psychoanalysis is beneficial after all.

The relationship between the two men was extremely close.

The pastor knew that Dorsett was a capable building contractor and hired him to build a church for their religious denomination.

Dorset's workplace was an unfinished church.

The two of them were discussing on this construction site, but the pastor's attitude was not clear at all:
"I don't know, Brother Dorset, I really don't," he repeated several times.

After a long silence, it was Dorset himself who commented:
"I would be much more at ease if the Chicago psychoanalyst shared our beliefs. I am afraid that a doctor who does not share our beliefs will use anesthesia, hypnotism, and other technical methods that I firmly oppose."

The priest paced up and down the paved church floor.

He pondered for a long time, but was still at a loss.

When he finally spoke, there were only a few words:

"It's up to you, Brother Dorset. I want to help you with all my heart, but frankly, I don't know what to do."

Now it was Dorset's turn to pace up and down.

He worried, "If prayer and praising God weren't part of the therapy, it wouldn't be easy for them to lead me down this path."

"Yes," echoed the priest,

"It's like bringing a mule into a new barn in Missouri, you have to blindfold it first."

He paused for a long time before adding:
"I stand for freedom of thought, consciousness, and belief. You know me, Brother Dorset, as a persuasive, even irresistible man. But the only way I use is to talk to people. I have never in my life Coercion. I don’t know if psychoanalysis will force people. But I have no objection to Ariel going to Chicago. This decision should not be made by me. The idea is up to you and her.”

Willard Dorset told Ariel about his conversation with the priest.

He couldn't find a way out, so he asked her to make up her own mind. "I'm still going to Chicago." This was Ariel's firm answer.

The following Sabbath, Ariel had a brief conversation with the pastor at church.

She gazed at his black clothes and his keen brown eyes.

It's really interesting to see in dim light.

It is an image of fear, laid bare in plain sight.

The priest felt her gaze.He said softly:
"Your father and I are only looking at the matter from our point of view. We admit that there is another point of view. If you really want to do it, we should not object."

Ariel's decision has remained unchanged.

She was waiting for an admission notice from Clarkson Hospital and a reply from Chicago.

She saw what was about to happen as an intensified shock to the "terrible thing."

After years of hesitation and procrastination by her parents and herself, it was comforting to finally take the first action.

The determination and determination that could not be displayed at a young age can finally be fully displayed now.

Suddenly, everything changed.

The reason is that she suffered from pneumonia while suffering from pharyngitis.

In fact, pneumonia is not the cause, but a means.

She had a severe headache and sore throat.

She wanted to get up and call Dr. Wilbur to cancel her October 10 outpatient appointment, but she was too dizzy and weak.

Ariel asked her mother to call Dr. Wilbur.

Ariel heard Heidi Dorset give the doctor's number to the operator, spoke to the doctor's secretary, and spoke to the doctor himself.

"Yes, I'm Lady Dorset, Ariel's mother," Heidi went on in a breath.

"Arielle is sick. Can't see you on October 10th. Yeah, it seems like everyone has a sore throat, but she also has pneumonia. Anyway, she told me to call you. Thanks."

With a click, her mother hung up the phone.

"What did the doctor say?" Ariel asked, "What did she say?"

"She didn't say anything," her mother replied.

"No mention of next appointment? No mention of hospitalization?"

"Not a word."

The train has arrived in Trenton, but Arielle's daydreams continue.

The echo of her mother's words could not stop.What she said in Omaha appears to be speaking now.

Her rough voice was as clear as if she was sitting next to Ariel.

The train is heading for New York.

Her memories, according to her assumption, are automatically revealed one by one according to their own logic.

It was the doctor who started it all, the doctor she was looking for now.

When Ariel heard her mother say that Dr. Wilbur hadn't mentioned any future appointments, she quickly dismissed her disappointment, thinking that the doctor must have thought she would call when she recovered.

But when she called when she was fully recovered, she was told that Dr. Wilbur had left Omaha and was not coming back.

It's natural for Ariel to feel abandoned.

After many struggles at home, and the excruciating pain of convincing her parents to allow her treatment and hospitalization, the path to recovery has now vanished in the blink of an eye.

She felt that even the most courageous of people with such fragile feelings as herself could not withstand this blow.

She left the phone table and sat weakly on the bed.

She thought it would be time for her mother to laugh loudly and her father to express his silent disapproval.

She thought of Dr. Wilbur, and how she had gone away without a word of greeting.

Did she offend the doctor?

Would the doctor think that she was not really sick and stop the treatment?
These possibilities certainly exist.

What now?
A letter from Chicago.

The letter stated that the psychoanalyst had been out of appointment for two years and therefore was not accepting new patients at the moment.

This way, the psychoanalysis is over.

Without Dr. Wilbur, Clarkson Hospital and continued treatment is over.

And so, in the tranquility of her bedroom, Ariel confronts the truth:

In any case, she had to do it alone.

She even convinces herself:
With Dr. Wilbur gone, and with the cancellation of the trip to Chicago, she was more free to do as she pleased.And the main wish in her heart was to go back to school.

How is she?
She has countless thoughts, but Dr. Wilbur's treatment can be used as a means of returning to school.

In any case, she had already seen a psychiatrist.

She wrote to Miss Updike expressing her wish to return to school.

Miss Updike promised to use her influence to effect this.

At the same time, Ariel continued to teach in junior high, and to paint.

Her painting "Town Street" and a pencil drawing are on display at an Omaha gallery.

But the unspeakable horror still haunted her.

One day, she felt that she was not entangled by it, so she wrote tactfully in her diary that day.

"Everything is fine today." In January, Ariel went back to school.

During the first week Miss Updike learned the truth with amazement.

Miss Updike seemed delighted when Ariel told her that the whole lesson could be listened to without inner disturbance.

"I'm fine," Ariel wrote in her diary on Jan. 1.

On January 1, Ariel wrote in her diary referring to the indescribable event:
"I'm so proud, so relieved--that I've been able to talk to Miss Updike about it like I did yesterday, and on this level. There's been no 'inclination.' How long have I been waiting. God will hear." At my request.”

However, this indescribable thing, this "inclination", has not stopped.

Her diary is a sure sign of the presence or absence of that "inclination," because Ariel always makes a note when she can manage a situation.

But even in times when she considers herself to be "good lately," there are still days that are not recorded in the diary.

In fact, on January 1th, the day after she boasted with great optimism, there was no record.

Generally speaking, it is good for a few days and bad for a few days.

For Ariel, there were still many good days, which enabled her to complete nearly three years of college courses and successfully entered the second semester of the fourth year.

But shortly before the end of last semester, Ariel got a call from her father asking her to go to Kansas City, where her parents now live.

Her mother suffered from spleen cancer and was not far from death.

She insisted that Ariel go to nurse.

"If it's what your mother asked for, she deserves it," Harper Dorset told her daughter.

(End of this chapter)